Laid to rest

It was the most difficult day of my life...laying to rest Caleb at Mt Gravatt Crematorium Chapel.  The day started with the viewing of Caleb's coffin at the funeral home.  I did not what to expect for the whole day.  When we saw the little coffin standing on the stage...we all broke into uncontrollable tears.  He was so beautiful laying to rest in a white coffin with a teddy bear to look after him. We added another teddy bear to remember us by.

His face was still bruised but i could see from the rest of his upper body downwards was clear and perfectly normal.  Mother in law commented Caleb had my nose and he was a handsome young boy. I can only imagine.....Who knows how he would've turned out had he lived. I'm not a person to dwell on what if's but i can only remember his fighting spirit till the end.  

We stayed at the viewing for 45 minutes as everyone touched and caressed Caleb's cold and damp face.  Faith saw what was going on and she started to cry but we think it was more of a fake cry. She looked genuine.  We went to have lunch afterwards and then rested at home for an hour before the funeral service.

As i drove closer to the chapel, i was numb from thinking.  Some people had already arrived early to help.  I chose to carry Caleb's coffin onto the stand once last time from the hearse.  I shared a testimony about my feelings over the last 4 months...the fear, worry, struggle.  And eventual goodbye.  JY shared about Caleb's character whilst he was in her stomach. It was a nice tribute to our boy from a mother who knew him best and its a mother's cry over a lost son. I felt her pain and so did many others.  The most touching moment was the playing of Caleb's tribute video presentation with some of Caleb's pictures mixed with family snapshots played with the background music "I can only imagine."  Touching song which made me think if i can only imagine what Caleb would be like.  

I said a few word of heartfelt thanks to friends who have prayed for us in the last few months and also the offer of help to cook and look after the 2 girls for the past week.  We then went outside to release balloons to signify and release of Caleb's spirit....the balloons soared into the skies just like an eagle and i comforted JY as she cried with the release of Caleb's spirit into the heavens.....i will miss you my son!!!

1st day of mourning

This takes into account the following day after Caleb's passing.

The following day, everything starts to sink in after some time of reflection and deep thought.

We woke up as if nothing has happened from the previous day and we were eager to go home. There was nothing to keep us in hospital.  Up until now, i would like to go to hospital but now i've changed my mind.  Something the nurse said to us that really changed my perspective of Caleb.

She said Caleb will always be your 3rd child even if you have a 4th 5th or 6th child.  And he will be with you for a very long time.  It dawned on me that Caleb was my son and will always be my son.

When they brought his tiny body back into the room, i cried as i held him tightly.  No matter what happens from now till my death...Caleb will always be my son and i will treasure that.  

After Dr Ng came to examine JY, we checked out.  We bumped into Peach and Sharon as they were exiting too with their new bub in hand.  Brought JY to tears. I knew that would happen and i hoped it wouldn't but the timing and coincidence was there.

We got home and i wondered what has just happened to us.  It was so surreal.  I thought about heading down to the studios to say goodbyes but my heart wasn't in it and i didn't want to bring down the atmosphere.  And i need to keep JY in company as she was taking it hard.

She clutched onto the clothing that Caleb first wore and a teddy bear the hospital gave as the only reminder of Caleb.

Results back and tears

Having not heard of the results on Friday, i thought i will enjoy the weekend until Monday when they call back with the results. However, whilst on set filming on Saturday, JY called to say Dr Ng rang her with the positive results for Trisomy 18.  I paused for a second...with relief and then anguish in heart.  After work, i drove back home in tears.  The uncertainty is gone and now its hard work from here onwards.  JY went to the seminar for a break from the kids with mum and aunties looking after the girls.  I went to the wrap party as scheduled and had lots of time to think and pray whilst driving down to the GC.  

JY didn't take it hard...we knew all along for the last 8 months.  This just confirms it.

Today, before church...we prayed as scheduled.  JY said its not just about healing, its about God's will for Caleb and the purpose of these things happening to us. She spoke with wisdom.  Jesus died a slow and painful death so that our sins our forgiven and we may have eternal life.  The same with the pain JY is going through, we hope that the emotional and physical pain is not in vain.  And its not about Caleb....God is using someone close to us to reach out and deep into our lives...to change us...change me.  

The good news being....God is interested in my life and wants to change it through these trying circumstances.

Amniotest done..

The amniotest was conducted today at the Mater.  Finally, we can once and for all know what is coming to us.  The initial ultrasound scan for Caleb for his wellbeing wasn't encouraging.  In fact, it went backwards.  Dr Thomas said Caleb's growth has slowed whilst the fluid in JY's tummy has increased.  The swelling in her feet and hands are getting worse as its painful for JY to walk and also sleep at night.  The swelling is worse at night during sleep.  On Wednesday, Dr Ng prescribed her blood pressure medication to reduce the high blood pressure.  

We should get a result of the test by tomorrow and then the doctors will consult with each other on how to manage Caleb's birth.  My concern now is with JY's health and wellbeing.  I don't know what she is going through...with the enlarge tummy and swollen hand and feet but if there is someone who can take it...it would be JY.  She has the physical strength to take on this burden but she needs emotional and spiritual encouragement and nourishment.

Before we went to the Mater, we talked and prayed at mum's house.  JY was living by the moment with Caleb not expecting healing but readiness to accept if Caleb is taken away.  But I told her we must believe in faith for healing. For without faith, God cannot do His work.  It says so in the Bible.  So we agreed to both having the same goals and level of faith- our first goal...then secondly we are prepared for God's will for Caleb be revealed whether he lives or dies.  Tonight, i even thought about God releasing Caleb to spare JY the pain and suffering but i repented afterwards.  I want both of them to come through this.

TO be honest, we weren't working together as a couple in prayer and goals.  I think God is moulding us to work and pray together with the same level of faithfulness.  Last Sunday during the sermon, the topic of synergy was preached which struck accord with us.  JY wasn't happy on Sunday morning that i went for a ride without telling her and she was left to look after the girls.  It also happened on Saturday when i went to the gym and left JY to look after the girls.  She wanted an equal share of the family workload.

Judgement day is ever getting closer....the ordeal is nearly at its end.  I'm contemplating leaving work to look after JY since we are not doing ANYTHING at the moment.  I'm always thinking of doing something productive whilst i wait.  There is a purpose in all this......only time will reveal all.